Crackling and Spanks: Grist for the Granny


Grand Final perennial Roy ” Crackling ” Pork and big-game consultant Wayne ” Spanks ” Spankle rev up for the pointy end.

CRACKLING: So, Spanks, Billy Slater? Does he get off?

SPANKS: How the **** should I know? Leave me the **** alone.

CRACKLING: Geez!

SPANKS: Sorry, Crackling. I’m a bit on edge this time of year. Grand final week does this to me every time.

CRACKLING: Still thinking about 1986?

SPANKS: Still can’t believe what happened, copulate. Wazza was making it right up the bowels, Handsy grabs it exactly a couple of metres out, the bloke with the whistle announces play on, but right at the crucial moment Ruggsy pulls a cartilage and unexpectedly the ball’s up for grabs and it’s anyone’s guess.

By the end the claret’s flowing but nobody knows what happened to Watto, he’s flat on his back and the crowd’s gone mad because it’s up the other brutal concluded with Hamblo and Kev raffling it between themselves. Bloody ballsupathon, mate.

CRACKLING: I remember it like it was yesterday. Preposterous scenes.

SPANKS: So every grand final week reminds me of that day.

CRACKLING: But there have been great instants on grand final daylight, haven’t there? For Billy Slater in particular? Remember when he won the Clive Churchill Medal? And the other one? For a bloke who’s never once been the best musician in a grand final, he’s got a lot of Clive Churchill Medals, and you can’t help but respect that.

SPANKS: I’ve always said that if I had to pick one rugby conference player to be next to me in the trenches, my pick would depend on which one had the biggest gun.

Cameron Smith NRL Rugby League Melbourne Storm Grand Final 2017

Will Billy get another shot at the big-hearted dance?( Photo by Matt King/ Getty Images)

CRACKLING: Speaking of which, the Roosters have some big guns- Latrell Mitchell, Blake Ferguson, James Tedesco, the supernatural of Brad Fittler- but they might lose Cronk, and that’s got to hurt.

SPANKS: Losing Cronk is like losing an forearm. The fus is, for Cronk, playing on Sunday might commit actually losing an limb. The concept is hanging like a thread.

CRACKLING: Ironic, isn’t it, that Cronk might miss because his shoulder is too weak to play-act, while Slater might miss because his shoulder was too strong?

SPANKS: I don’t think that technically fits the definitions contained in mockery, Crackles.

CRACKLING: No, but you take my item. I’m just saying: shoulders.

SPANKS: It’s not right that Billy could miss a grand final just for bumping Feki out of comedy. Back in the Sixties you couldn’t be suspended for a grand final unless you fatally impaled someone, and even then you’d get down if your martyr represented for Manly.

CRACKLING: I look at it like this: strictly speaking the rule says you’re not allowed to shoulder fee. But strictly speaking the rules say you can’t be a referee without knowing the rules, and if they flex the terms and conditions of Ash Klein they can bend them for Billy.

SPANKS: I reckon it was a great jolt. I’d give him a medal.

CRACKLING: The Churchill selectors once have, I remember. If he gets suspended they’ll have to get artistic about how to present it.

SPANKS: Can the Storm win two in a row?

CRACKLING: Not in one darknes , no.

SPANKS: It’s the AFL granny more, of course.

CRACKLING: I conceived the AFL granny was Barb from Moonee Ponds.

SPANKS: The grand final, copulate. Impart yourself an uppercut.

CRACKLING: The Tigers will be giving themselves a good deal of uppercuts after the direction they blew the prelim.

SPANKS: It goes to show you are able to never make the Magpies gently. I wish Dimma and the sons had taken their responsibility more seriously. When you play Collingwood in a prelim, you’re not just playing for yourself, you’re carrying the hopes and daydreams of all respectable Australians on your shoulders. I’ve never felt more let down.

Adam Treloar

Collingwood are playing in their first grand final since 2011.( Photo by Adam Trafford/ AFL Media/ Getty Images)

CRACKLING: My daughter time passed birth, and I hate to judge the little nipper will grow up in a life where Collingwood earns pennants. Makes you want to mandate sterilisation.

SPANKS: Hopefully the West Coast can do the right thing by the rest of Australia.

CRACKLING: Secede?

SPANKS: No, in a footy appreciation. We’ll all be Eagles on the weekend.

CRACKLING: It’s a shame Andrew Gaff won’t be playing. If merely he’d restraint his feeling for a few weeks longer, he could’ve run out on the G on Saturday and interrupted as many mouths as he’d liked. That’s the largest thing about the grand final: anything goes.

SPANKS: I still remember Alastair Lynch belting Darryl Wakelin so hard that Shane Wakelin woke up with traumata. Lynch got five weeks, but he foxed the appeals tribunal by retiring. Billy should try that. If he retires before the grand final he can’t be suspended for it. That’d show’ em.

CRACKLING: I know from experience that coming temporarily suspend a GF is devastating.

SPANKS: I didn’t know you were ever suspended for a GF.

CRACKLING: I wasn’t, but I once had the experience of talking to a fella who was, and he supposed the information was devastating.

SPANKS: Without Gaff I’m not sure the Weagles can win this one, I have to be honest. He’s the heart and soul of that team.

CRACKLING: Is he?

SPANKS: I don’t know, perhaps, I don’t pay much attention to them. Until the coming week I forgot they were even in the comp.

CRACKLING: The real issue is, how will West Coast stop Mason Cox?

Mason Cox

Mason Cox of the Magpies( Photo by Adam Trafford/ AFL Media/ Getty Images)

SPANKS: As you are familiar, my old man defended in World War Two, and he told me there was only one space to deal with a Yank muscling in on your gras: sucker-punch him from behind and chuck him in the harbour. That’ll school the prick to give your best daughter nylons.

CRACKLING: If the Eagles want to stop Cox from demonstrating all their girls nylons on Saturday, they’re definitely going to need to swipe from behind.

SPANKS: Don’t be disgusting.

CRACKLING: I intend bungles, Spanks.

SPANKS: Sorry, Crackling. You know how it is.

CRACKLING: I’m sorry, copulate. Have another frothie.

SPANKS: That’s a championship hypothesi in my diary, copulate. Applauses!